Funny thing, Ria said hi to me on Gtalk after almost a month now. She said she’s in Chennai and gonna be staying there for a couple of weeks. But the miraculous part is she gave me her mobile no, am gonna talk with her after 8 months, with my heart skipping the usual beats I dialed her no and when she picked up, my heart was compensating for the beats it missed minutes before. Her ever cherubic voice is still lingering in my ears 15 minutes after disconnecting. I feel like nothing had ever changed, I feel like I had just called her like I used to, It feels like time has no meaning, but some part in my brain is working the opposite way and working hard to make me realise it is just an illusion. She is not the same, in fact nothing is, and she’s married for Christ sake!!!! These are the moments where you wish you could turn back time; I have no answer to why I ditched her, how more stupid can I be??? This is it I guess, height of stupidity. We spoke for 10 minutes, my darn balance was low. We spoke of nothing in specific, just the awkward ex talk. How she is and how her guy and co are, she seems so happy and I don’t like that – and I hate myself for thinking this. She should have been mine - what a pious thought!!! I can’t stop thinking this way, my brain knows it, but my heart doesn’t want to accept it. I told her about my blog spot too; as if I have one already, I don’t know if I would be posting anymore, I hope to. Should I let her read my blogs? How could I? She is gonna know everything about me if she does, can I let it happen? She would know what I think, what I thought and that’s not necessary. This morning I was missing my Sindhu, now I am missing Ria. I love both of them, it’s this question which drives me nuts, who do I love more? I have no answer whatsoever, but I do know who loved me more. This where I laugh, laugh at myself, at my stupidity, at my insanity; why would I compare them when I know neither one of them are gonna be mine, it doesn’t matter – I don’t matter to them, I deserve this. And I accept it.
"Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical."
No comments:
Post a Comment