MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT

Only a few strokes away to the dawn of 2008, like all the years my déjà vu and uncertainty overcomes me. I still remember the dawn of 2004 – sindhu was in a party with her parents and she sneaked a call to wish New Year. I reckon that was the best New Year ever, although I got to talk with her just for a minute, it’s precious and etched in my heart forever. After that, each New Year begun with different voices which I can hardly recollect. Well 2006 was an eventful year as well, it so happened that Ria was the first person to wish and 5 days later we were in love, love at first sight – who wouldn’t. Now that the déjà vu part is over, let’s switch on to the uncertainty – what next?? TIME FLIES!!!! This maybe a cliché, but this one is definitely not wrong. I woke up to 2006 and am gonna sleep in 2007, I do mean the 365 day which passed by. 2007 brought about a lot of changes; I am in a different country for Christ sake!!! But this is not the only change; this year had great revelations for me, especially regarding friends. I had a real tough time with them, some of them were worth it, and some of them sure were not. I lost a few good friends, who at least I considered as good, I gained a few good friend who again “I consider to be good” you never know. But this year also marks Ria’s marriage and Sindhu’s engagement!!!! WOW!!! What a year for my love life, well, what a great year for my ex-girlfriends!!! I wouldn’t have given a damn if it was any other chick I went out with, but Ria and Sindhu?? Never mind. So yea, 2007 marked the graduation of my bachelor’s degree; I totally forgot I am a certified engineer now, only I don’t know to engineer anything. My decision to pursue my higher education in a foreign land was always elusive to me, but not anymore. But the worthiness of that decision will be known only by the dawn of 2010, not a long way huh?? When I look back at this one year to see what I achieved, I only realise that I made out with more gals than I achieved anything!!! Most people think going to Aussie to study is an achievement itself, I reckon and tom, dick and harry could do that. My next year is probably the most important on the academic side. Two semesters in a post graduate level can give a SMS of what your fate is gonna be. So it’s a long year ahead – work wise, but I realise that long year is an over statement, no epoch is long. It’s just our imagination. I thank everyone who helped me in some way to smile, succeed and achieve anything in this year. I apologise to anyone, everyone who I had hurt or ignored or made them less happy this year, I never would have intended to do it – I am sorry. It’s just 600 seconds to midnight now, I don’t see the difference between any other night and tonight, but I hope to make a difference between any other morning and tomorrow. Everyone hopes the same I reckon. Hope is a small word with a big meaning, so I hope to bring that big meaning to my small life. 2008, here I come.

PS: I thank Linkin Park for the tittle.

"Nothing is as far away as one minute ago" - Jim Bishop.

HA, SYMBOLISM OF MY RESOLUTION

Madhu was asking me what is my new year’s resolution for 08, and I evaded the answer by telling her my last year’s resolution was not to have a resolution and am still sticking on to it. But I haven’t stopped thinking, if I had to take a resolution then what would it be. No surprise, there would be numerous choices; what is a resolution? It’s what you want to do but you don’t end up doing, in my case the list never ends. So, my mind was racing last nite through all the options – diet, exercise, waking up early in the morning, healthy lifestyle, spend less, study more, start my CFA, stick to a time table, be more active and something was missing. Something which I do a lot, something I want to reduce, that which puts me in all the trouble, that something which creates most of the problem. With this thoughts running in my head and the cough syrup pushing me to sleep, I close my eyes. For some weeks now, I never had sweet dreams; there is always an uncertain dream which I don’t remember when I wake up. These dreams for sure are not pleasant, it’s about bombs and running, mostly from the PC games I play. Then there would be a few dreams with sindhu, I don’t really remember what they were either, but I do remember that couple of nights back she kissed me. I felt good when I woke up – but then also stupid. Anyway, this morning I woke up for the alarm at 8.30 for a change, something was not right, that something I was doing all this while, I couldn’t do it anymore, it hurts when I try to do it. OMG!!! Now it all settles in, now I realise what it is, I can’t talk!! Yeah, sore throat, it kills me to even moan. This is it, the whole day I dint talk to anyone, feels good. My mouth is the reason for all the problems I stuff myself into, right from the cow in school till my last ever problem I can think of. Symbolism of my resolution!! So, I guess am gonna try talking less, flirting is allowed though – I can’t live without that of course.

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth." - Mahatma Gandhi.

SKIP A BEAT!!!

Funny thing, Ria said hi to me on Gtalk after almost a month now. She said she’s in Chennai and gonna be staying there for a couple of weeks. But the miraculous part is she gave me her mobile no, am gonna talk with her after 8 months, with my heart skipping the usual beats I dialed her no and when she picked up, my heart was compensating for the beats it missed minutes before. Her ever cherubic voice is still lingering in my ears 15 minutes after disconnecting. I feel like nothing had ever changed, I feel like I had just called her like I used to, It feels like time has no meaning, but some part in my brain is working the opposite way and working hard to make me realise it is just an illusion. She is not the same, in fact nothing is, and she’s married for Christ sake!!!! These are the moments where you wish you could turn back time; I have no answer to why I ditched her, how more stupid can I be??? This is it I guess, height of stupidity. We spoke for 10 minutes, my darn balance was low. We spoke of nothing in specific, just the awkward ex talk. How she is and how her guy and co are, she seems so happy and I don’t like that – and I hate myself for thinking this. She should have been mine - what a pious thought!!! I can’t stop thinking this way, my brain knows it, but my heart doesn’t want to accept it. I told her about my blog spot too; as if I have one already, I don’t know if I would be posting anymore, I hope to. Should I let her read my blogs? How could I? She is gonna know everything about me if she does, can I let it happen? She would know what I think, what I thought and that’s not necessary. This morning I was missing my Sindhu, now I am missing Ria. I love both of them, it’s this question which drives me nuts, who do I love more? I have no answer whatsoever, but I do know who loved me more. This where I laugh, laugh at myself, at my stupidity, at my insanity; why would I compare them when I know neither one of them are gonna be mine, it doesn’t matter – I don’t matter to them, I deserve this. And I accept it.

"Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical."

THE ROOTS – MY FAMILY

Born in an upper middle class family, where the grandparents are mighty richer than your parents – the usual. When your honest dad doesn’t want to succumb to the corrupted society and stands his ground, you can be proud but definitely not rich. Moreover, when your dad is a doctor, the people who knows you expect you to be rich, because that’s written in the book – that need not be always true. Mom had me raised on ambitions and good grades but dad wanted discipline and awesome grades, bottom line – as long as I study well I’ll be a prince! Pride is something which affects every family in some level; mine was no exception, so being the eldest son of the two the onus on me would always be high. Mom is a mixture of the 90’s and trying hard to cope up with the 07, dad is happy where he is in the 70’s and doesn’t believe in the 2K era, younger bros are always irritating especially when they act smart for their age. Although we would have been in the same position once, we cannot accept it, that’s the story of my bro who’s 8 years younger than me. My family photo mounted at the top of my TV at home reminds me of how much I do not belong in it- physically and in existence. In that picture, one would see a 40ish man wearing glasses which adds wisdom to his age standing beside a 40ish women in sari who embraces culture, you would also see a kid who believes he’s as good as superstar Rajinikanth, boasting his new style of dressing – so far so good. Behind these three people, you would see a looming figure, standing more than 6 feet tall with brown hair till his shoulders, staring at the cam with his blue contacts, now that does not fit in(me). Mom and dad are firm believers of god, they pray every day, they worship everyday and they go to temples and spiritual seminars whenever there is one. But I can distinctly remember the times when I go to the temple, it’s on new year’s day and my birthdays, I go because only then will I be licensed to spend my mom’s money. I never ask my dad money, I don’t have a reason why, my mom is always my financial service and my ATM( any time mummy), I love my mom the most, much much more than my dad. Dad’s a spend thrift, he hates me spending money on gadgets and other stuff which I consider is “kewl and sexy”, mom seconds dad in this but then caves in for my charms (read this as begging). After 21 years of being with them, I departed to Aussie on 20^th July 2007 in order to take my education to the higher level - MBA. You never know the value of family until you are away, now I miss them, now I realise how much they mean to me, now I realise I am nothing without them. There were the good times and the bad times, but whatever the times were I would cherish it my whole life and tell my kids I had the best parents ever. This is my family.

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one." - Jane Howards

FLASH BACK

I was wondering where to start my blogs, but then I realised it would only be appropriate to start from where it all began – the past, this is my story, it’s all real without any fictional additions. The unspoken words and thoughts are my comprehension and might be subjected to misconceptions and disagreements. When I am writing this blog, at this moment I am 21 years and 199 days old. During this epoch, are my inception, evolution, revelation and resurrection.

“The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.” – Albert Einstein

DICLAIMER

I am no more in India to be lackadaisical and carefree about what I talk or write, I am in Sydney, this is where people sue you for using their name. The names and characters in any of my blogs are purely factual, yea rite! Although, due to the privacy and secrecy, I would be using fake names for a few people, these people fall in two categories: (1) those who I really love and care for, and (2) those whose names am embarrassed to reveal. If any of the part in my blogs happens to humiliate any person, it is thoroughly unintended. If you find any, then please do inform me (that is if anyone is reading this).

“Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.” – Charles Mingus

My first blog

After all the dawdling around my whole life, i start yet another venture, starting my blog post which am sure i wont continue for long - this has been the story of my life. I am the incarnation of "jack of all trades but master of none". I'll get to that in my later blogs ( if there are any), this blog is the introduction. So yea, my name's naren, am not another Tom, Dick or Harry, i am Naren. I reckon u would never cross another person like me in your life. My statement might hint that am arrogant, i wont deny it cos its partly true. I am arrogant, not always. I blame my uncertainty, complexity and fickle mindedness on my sun sign - Gemini. I'll rephrase the previous sentence now, I am a Gemini, so am uncertain, complex and fickle minded ( what did i tell u ??). I'm still not sure how i am gonna start my blogging, its more like i dunno where to start. But i am sure once i do, then there is no stopping, i love to communicate, i have so much to tell but not many people listen. When people want to listen, i don't want them to, hence the vicious cycle. Thus my last resort - blog spot, my last resort does not make it the least important. It only makes it more special. I hoped to carry my secrets to my grave, some of which resulted in broken hearts, broken relations, awkward friendships, unspoken hatred, worst enemies, new friends, revelations, resurrection and changes which are irrevocable. These secrets, i might end up divulging can make the person reading this judge me. Now i am at a point where my past does not matter, even if it does i cant change it, after all - "to err is human", am human, at least a human wannabe. So, yea here goes my first blog, i hope to find a suitable start to my blog and be back. I wanna end my blog with a quote which was at the back cover of all my note books in my school, which i had read during all my class hours.

"A journey of thousand miles begin with a single step" - Lao-Tzu